Of the inevitable endings...

 

It is so sudden when death beckons you unexpectedly. No goodbyes. No farewells. No reconciliations.

The ending is so finite. The finiteness is probably what makes it so difficult to come to terms with for those who are left behind. 

It’s rather convenient to believe that there is nothing thereafter. No lingering, no coming back, no awakenings in a different form or realm. To leave once and for all. To leave behind no entanglements. 

When someone held both my hands and shared excitedly about meeting a mutual friend, I did not think that would be last time I would see her so happy and so full of life. When I held my cat in my lap one night, I didn’t know it would be the last time, I would be holding it. When someone bid goodbye to his two-year-old, he never thought that was his last moment with his child. 

When the news of these deaths reached me one after the other in the past few weeks, I couldn’t help but ponder the inevitable ending. There is no certainty about a life that you saw today to be alive tomorrow. It wrenches me to imagine my young human motherless. Yet, we go forward thinking nothing untoward would happen. Our little heart can sometimes hold only so much that it fails to pulsate. Blame it on lifestyle, food and stress, it all boils down to how we deal with life and its tribulations. There is no perfect way, rather a way that we forge for ourselves by keeping ourselves at the centre, and probably by loving ourselves and forgiving ourselves a little more than we are often conditioned to. 

Death is not something that I haven't thought of. It is something that I have often been reminded of. I would attribute this to being a learner of literature as there are so many works that linger on the ephemerality of human life. Unlike other subjects that seldom philosophize, literature compels one to ponder and ruminate life and death a lot. It humbles you. It reminds one how insignificant is the drama that goes on in one's mind. I used to think I was prepared for any kind of challenge that life might throw at me. I realized how pathetic and weak I was when my father was unwell twice in the past two years. No grit and strength prepare you to see one's loved one battle for his or her life. The helplessness is what baffles me. The helplessness that forces me to trust absolute strangers whose services we seek for healing our loved ones. My experience with medical fraternity is such that I have a tough time trusting a doctor. We live at a time when everything is commercialized. Not all doctors. But some do not follow the ethics of their profession. Even remembering those days of ordeal brings a shudder through me. 

A lot of people reached out to me during this time. Some understood the pain as they have had similar experience. Some sympathized when they saw me struggle. Some offered words of consolation as a courtesy. I do not expect everyone to get it. I am unfortunately someone who struggle to offer words of solace or offer condolences when others go through a misfortune. I just don't know what to say. I used to think my words wouldn't make any difference. But when I was going through this phase, I realized sometimes these words of consolation eased me. People can heal each other. Simple gestures can mean a lot to someone even in such situations. When someone says they get it, it feels lighter. I have tried since then to put an effort to console others in similar situations. Though I am absolutely inefficient in most scenarios, I try. 

When I saw my colleague's photo on her memorial posters, I couldn't help but think that she had no idea this photograph was to be used for this purpose. She looked so happy and alive in those photos. One never knows which would be the last photo or the one that was to be used for such a purpose. As an outsider, the impact of this death is bearable for me. The hurt lessens as time passes. But the grief for the near and dear ones would seldom go away. One of the hardest adversities that humans have to deal with is definitely the loss of their loved ones. Nothing is as hard as losing someone that we loved. Yet, one has to survive this, somehow bear this, and try not to lose oneself in this ordeal. This is probably how our lives are: fragile, fleeting and totally beyond our control!

PS: This was in my draft for a long time. I don't know why I didn't post it when I had written it. I am still hesitant. Yet, here it is. 

Quirky Rambles of a Wimp

It feels strange or I should rather say awkward getting back here after a span of six years. I don't even know if I should be posting this or not. So much has transpired in these past years. The kind of change that I see in me as a person is kind of bizarre. Yes, that's the right word. Contrary to the world view, sometimes the kind of wisdom that is expected to dawn on you as you grow older seems to be eluded at times. And yet the number of years being alive on this Earth is directly proportional to the experience that one gains here. Experience is truly golden. Surviving is no mean task. The dark days of Covid and Nipah seem to be in the past. The after-effects of the same still continues. 

The last ten years of my life have been the most momentous, happening and breaking years of my life. Midlife crisis is real. Parenting is tough. Adulting is hard. But in spite of all these, there is goodness and beauty, and real, solid life that was happening. It is confusing and meddling at the same time. Life, that is. That is how it is supposed to be. You eventually figure out things.

 You fail. You win. You lose. You hurt. You flourish. You beam. You struggle. 

It all happens in such pace that one is left wondering about this enigma called life. I wonder if I should believe in nihilism or fate. What's life? I am now in this search for meaning of life, this wisdom. If at all, it is there or even achievable. I don't know when one is supposed to be the 'be-all and end-all'. The master of everything? Or the all-knowing? Why is it that we are always in quest for knowledge? It is the endless saga of exploring, understanding, learning, the search for ultimate truth. The curiosity that expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden, the self-same thirst for knowledge, to know it all, that probably keeps us moving forward and on. 

It feels ridiculous to bare it all out here, on this rather outdated platform. Well, the ending of a two-month long sabbatical needs some sort of recording. At a time when we are so glued onto our phones, to Instagram and WhatsApp - two integral parts of my life right now - I felt it was necessary to cut myself from these two addictive platforms and devote myself to this less visited and almost forgotten blog of mine. I was in desperate need for a digital detox. This detox that I am referring to is basically to stay out of Instagram which was consuming my time. I was addicted to reels and posts of various natures. I could find beautiful poetry, songs, and stories of strangers from across the world. I would marvel at someone's skill in articulating human emotions and ethos so poetically through words and paintings. I could also gratify my sweet cravings through visualization as it would keep my calories in check. Pretty strange ways to keep your sugar intake in check. Being bothered about what I am consuming is proof that I am truly experiencing my mid-life crisis..

One probably ends up quirkier as one grows old!! I am the proof of that. 

Mr.Sun is MIA! All thanks to the adamant black clouds.

Blogger Nostalgia!

Whenever I get back to this happy place of mine, I feel so elated. Typing away what comes to mind without any reservations as to who is going to judge me, makes me come back to this space of mine every once in a while. I find most bloggers whom I have been following have stopped blogging since a long time. I have been back to this after almost a year.

I invariably realize the fact that there aren't any readers for this blog as such. But this private space that I have created for myself in this world wide network is something that excites me like a child who has done something on his/her own for the first time.

The old posts of mine let me look at myself as a person who has evolved from what she was to what she is now. Those posts remind me of the different stages and places that I have been through in my life. Retrospection has always given me a better understanding of human behaviors in various circumstances. The woman in me at times turns out to be sober, sensible and level-headed. Yet, at times the child and the adolescent me pops out and I look at the sheepish me. Of all the things that I have learned and observed in these three decades of my life, what gives me lucidity is my introspective nature. I look into myself quite often, have conversations with myself and keep questioning my motives and actions. And when I am at a juncture to decide which path to take, I find myself reassured to take the path that is often righteous and rock-steady. The light that guides me is within me and I make sure I am in touch with this sunshine every now and then.

Technology has been so pervasive and its effects have trapped me into spending more of my time on gadgets than on more productive things like reading and writing. Well, I do enjoy penning down on a book, probably the ease of preserving the writings online by blogging seems more efficacious. Everything is in one place and I don't have to worry about searching or storing it. Also, the fun of reading the older writings by just a few clicks is rewarding.

I realize this post is about my blogging interests and passion to keep this going no matter what. I hope to religiously pen down at least a few random thoughts that knock my mind and  keep myself sane amidst this rat race that has no specific finishing line. 

Of Strange Musings..

As odd as it may seem, I strangely get this thrust to write in the middle of the night or may be well past midnight. Of late, it has been like this. Well, I am posting in my blog probably after a year and all I have to write about is the strange musings of my thoughts that ended my year long writing-block.

These days, all I read about is on parenting, cooking and may be a bit of newspapers when the toddler is asleep. Raising a toddler is no mean feat. It requires a hell lot of energy. I don't think I can post something on my blog ever again without probably making a mention of my little human. She is naughty. Guess, all toddlers are.

Coming to the thoughts that led me to this post. Well, I have always wanted this nudge, a bit of motivation from some corner or the other. It needn't be from my dear and near ones. It could be from any corner of my little world. Well, today it was an ex-student. The student didn't talk about blogging. What he talked about was his goals and aspirations. And that got me thinking about my aspirations and dreams. I did share my concern about being out of touch with my goals and also the lag in my career after the baby. The tug of war in mind that somehow hinders my motivation to pursue my goals. The baby is not to be blamed. Probably,  my career-planning had loopholes. It wasn't foolproof.  Had I been more prescient,  I would have achieved at least half of my goals. It's high time I pull up my socks and start running. They say better late than never!

With the thoughts that show me a faint light at the end of the tunnel of gloom and self-pity, good night my blog-fairy, my soul-sister!

PS: This is my first post from a phone. All the previos posts were either typed from a desktop or a laptop 

Revival-Revisiting-Reckoning

I realized in the middle of the night that I hadn't posted anything in my blog for almost two years. Yes! It's a pretty long time. I had been 'mind-blogging' (if I may say that) for a long time. I could easily say that the last one year or so in my life have been the most life-changing year of my life. I have become a mother. I am blessed with a baby girl. I have become a person that I had never been before in my life.

Sometimes, I had felt that there was a lot of hype about motherhood and pregnancy. But I feel it deserved the attention it called for. But that also doesn't mean that this is the "ONLY" major thing in a woman's life. I enjoy my phase of motherhood. I totally adore my little angel. She is still a thing of wonder for me. The wonder and disbelief that she is made of my flesh and blood. The wonder that I helped create a new life. The wonder I felt when I saw my wee little baby for the first time ever. I still marvel at my one year old toddler because I never thought she would grow up so soon. How I love her smiles! I love the look on her eyes when she is discovering and learning new things everyday. I see her eyes filled with gratitude and love. I can go on about my little wonder.

Source:Google images

 Motherhood is totally engaging. Motherhood is also at times guilt-ridden. I am not a perfect mother. I do a better job when I learn things from my mother. Or may be when I get some help. I don't know someone who is perfect. It is okay not to be perfect. Perfection is an adjective often tagged along with women because she is supposed to be perfect in everything. Be it motherhood, matrimony, career or whatever. The pressure to be the best and perfect in everything she does weighs down a woman so much. A new mother is often judged, seldom given a chance to prove herself. A new mother in our society is loaded with advice and counselling on baby-care to postpartum healing to weight-gain or weight-loss that most often she loses her individuality. All said, it is a real challenge to any woman. No one is a born mother. I mean no woman ever is. Not all women are the nurturing and melting kind. Some become a mother as soon as she realizes she has tiny speck growing inside her. Some get the stirrings of motherhood when she gets the first flutter. Some get it when she beholds her little one for the first time ever. Some become a mother to their siblings. I have often felt a motherly feeling and responsibility towards my sister. Sometimes to a niece or a cousin. When I became a mother, the feeling dawned on me slowly. I would say it took a whole

week for me to really sink in and fall in love madly with my little one. I should also say that during the course of my pregnancy, every week and every month when I felt her growing inside me, it felt amazing. I talked to my bump during my alone-time. I counted the kicks. Anything and everything I did during that period made me think of the impact it had on my baby. It included even my thoughts and I used to flood my mind with only positive thoughts though I had many setbacks during that phase.

Well, as of now I have so many things going on in my mind. I need clarity with regard to so many things. My baby is constant source of joy. At the same time, I fret about being the 'perfect' mother to her. This post is a revival to my blogging, a revisiting to some of my favorite blogs and a reckoning of my motherhood days! Hope to blog more often...

What's in a name?

Someone happened to ask me why I chose to title my blog as "Starry Nights". So I felt I should share my thoughts that I had when I created my blog way back in 2010. I have mentioned in many of my posts that I am a nature-lover. The different sights of nature has always left me wondering how insignificant we are in the true realm of the universe which is so vast and intriguing. 

I remember a few occasions of my childhood that I spent in the hot and humid Pondicherry. I have a lot of lovely memories attached to that place. One such memory that is fondly etched in my mind is the time we used to spend in the terrace of our home gazing the night sky. We would spread the durrie and lie down sky gazing. Sometimes Dad would try hard to show me the falling asteroids but I would never sight them. So, right from my childhood I had a fascination for the Starry Nights. Hence, the title!

I was also asked why I had chosen twinklingeyes for blogspot.in link. Well, some of them found it to be soppy and mushy. The truth being, I just wanted my name to feature in the URL of my blog link and when I tried putting my name in different combinations, most of it was already taken - thanks to the common English word "twinkle". By choosing twinklingeyes, I just meant a perspective about life through my eyes. Surprisingly, a friend mentioned that I had her clean-bowled with the choice of twinklingeyes for my blogspot, i.e, to quote her exact words. Now, I feel I should have gone for a more serious, pedantic name! ;)

The Starry Night - Vincent van Gogh (Courtesy - Wikipedia)

I also happened to find this very famous painting by Vincent van Gogh titled  The Starry Night. Indian author and columnist Shobhaa De has written a novel titled Starry Nights. I got to know about the novel when I googled Starry Nights. I was unaware of this when I started my blog. Hope no one sues me! Strictly coincidental!

P.S: The title for this blog post owes its credit to the one and only William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet".

The Yin and Yang

Courtesy: Google Images

Of late I have not been posting anything on my blog. No specific reason as such. If I wanted, I could have found time to post something. I wanted to but couldn't make myself do it. Though, I do visit my blog at times, I leave without updating it. Recently, a few friends who read my blog, motivated me to blog more often. And encouragements and motivations work well with me. I decided to give my blogging skills a try again.

When I retrospect my life, I feel I have accomplished quite a bit. I don't mean any monetary or material accomplishments. Every day of my life has taught me something or the other. Every year, I have matured. I understand things in a better light. I have been able to analyse and understand people in a better way. Observation has taught me quite a bit. I believe only when one introspects and keep introspecting, one has a lot of insights about oneself.

People around me have also enlightened me a lot. A few experiences have left me baffled and clueless after my interactions with some people. I feel sorry for certain people who are grown up yet not grown up. If I share a few of my thoughts, it is something like this: Some people are always interested in other people's lives, some try to intimidate others to hide their own flaws, some people worship others for reasons only they know, some people lose their individuality and are just superficial existences. Some are so negative that one regrets the time spent with them. Some spend their whole life apple-polishing. Some appear to be so sweet and refined but talk behind your back the moment you leave. Some try their best to camouflage their malice but it spills out and they cannot hide it. Some take pleasure in bossing around people. Their arrogance puts you off. For some, the only existence of life is to GOSSIP. I have also been part of grapevine but it was not my sole objective in life.

I have also had the pleasure of being in the company of people who have made me a better person. Some inspire you by the way they lead their life. Some work so hard that you are motivated to be like them. Some have a strong reason to thrive and survive which makes you find your own reasons. Some are so compassionate, you soften in their presence. Some are so disciplined, you try to find some discipline in your own life. Some are ever so cheerful, it is contagious. Some are so understanding and loving, you can always find them ready to lend an ear. Some are so sensible and level-headed, you can try to be like them. Some are so bold and courageous for all the right reasons, you can follow them.

By sharing this, I don't intend to give anyone even the faintest idea that I am perfect or flawless. I know myself. I have my opinion on things that matters to me. I will never try to persuade or change anyone. No one can change anyone but oneself. So I changed myself. I chose to ignore the negative influences around me. That makes me happier. I was under the impression that I am way beyond silly ego clashes, cat fights and taunts. But I find myself in the midst of it all. NO. I have not indulged in a cat fight yet. I thought I was very adaptable. But I realized no matter how hard one tries to adapt and adjust, there comes a point when one loses all calm and decide to sever ties with people who cannot be tolerated any more. When some people repeatedly try to hit your raw nerve, you might lose your cool which you don't normally do in public. 

So that's it for now. Certain incidents triggered these lines of thought and am happy that I could blog after such a long time.