As this year comes to a close, I can't help but retrospect as I always do. I realize that apart from new wrinkles and more greys, I have gained some haters for myself in the recent past. As per my understanding and the experience I gained just by being alive way ahead into the middle of my probable lifespan, I get that you hate someone when you think they did some harm to you. Despite breaking my head over what possible harm, I could have brought to these haters, I find myself at a loss in deciphering the cause of this hatred. I don't think about them, I hardly talk about them, I am rarely interested in their personal or professional life and yet one fine day, I find out random things that hint to this loathing they harbour towards me. I notice they pretend not to see me, when clearly, they have seen me. I understand the hatred is so intense that one doesn't even want to acknowledge the presence of the other. (Honestly, there are times when I don't acknowledge acquaintances or friends that I pass by in daily life only because I would be so lost in my own thoughts.) I find out quite randomly; I was blocked from seeing their stories. (I do get unblocked later, though!) Come on, girl! What could I possibly do by viewing some random details of your personal or professional life? I mean what kind of threat could you expect from someone like me? I am not in a position of power nor am I friends with anyone in a position of power. I am neither jealous of you nor I do want to be anything like you. From these very same people, I have experienced things like body-shaming and age-shaming. I never reacted or responded to such things as it only sheds light on their maturity and character. I am least bothered about what some random acquaintances think of me. I am only bothered about what people who mean something to me think of me. Rest of them don't matter.
My idea of friendship is based on honesty and openness. I truly believe that one could fall out of friendships when it doesn't make sense anymore. I have friends from all walks of life. I have friends of different age categories. Each of these friendships have served various purposes in my life. I don't believe in friendships that are forced or faked. Somehow, I have been able to sense that in people. I get it when people aren't genuine. I get it when someone wants a friendship just to gratify their needs for the time being. I also get it, when friendships start fading. That's absolutely fine as nothing lasts forever. This truly insignificant and fragile human life can last only as long as it is fated; friendships are much more delicate. Every passing year is a reminder of the fact that time lost can never be gained back. Lost friendships are done and dusted. I don't want any of these haters to pretend to be friends with me. I rather wish they would stop feigning to be my friends when their attitude and actions scream otherwise. I do not want any more fake smiles and wishes. Staying friends with someone needs effort and maintenance. That should come effortlessly and naturally. I can never be friends with someone when I am uncomfortable in their presence, when I can't be myself, when I can't open up myself, and when I am not emotionally connected with them. I can't open up with people who judge me. If I am misunderstood by them, then there is no point in trying to forge a connection with them. Not everyone gets you. And you don't get everyone either. It is not possible to feel connected with everyone and that's quite logical too. It's not mandatory to have lots of friends. It is a sad life if one has happiness only through external validation because internal validation is all that matters. If I am not friends with myself, if I don't love myself enough, I should never expect others to be friends with me. I love my own company and my internal talks. I introspect; I try to better myself. I acknowledge my flaws and shortcomings, and I am aware that in spite of my flaws I made it so far. I did fairly well as a human. Though most often than not, I am happy building walls around myself. Walls only to protect myself. I am at that stage in my life when I see people I know at public places, I'd rather hide than go and greet them. I hardly have it me to make small talks to random acquaintances. But I don't mind having deep conversations with people who see me for who I am.
All I have to tell my haters is that you have every right to hate, block or distance yourself from people you don't like. Block your dp, story, status or whatever you want. But never ever pretend to be friends with me with all that malice and hatred in your mind. I prefer being ignored and despised than being shown false courtesies and fake smiles. As far as I know, I have never intentionally tried to bring or wish harm to anyone. If I am hated for taking a stand or for calling out injustices, I have absolutely no regrets. But if I am being hurt for something that I have no clue about, or if it is based on some prejudices and judgements of people, I take solace in the belief that karma exists.
